Author Top Ten: Cris Beam

Guest posting today is I Am J author Cris Beam, here to talk a little about some pet peeves. Make sure you check these out, and check out I Am J, out now!


10. Jeans. Mine in particular, but really, jeans in general. It doesn’t matter the brand: they cost too much, and no matter how enormous they are, they never fit right. Also genes. Genetically, I’m okay cause I’m tall, but there are things I’d fix. I think I have a selfish streak ‘cause of my moms.

9. Birds in cages. Who decided this was a good idea? If you wanna look at birds, you don’t have to clip their wings or clean up their shit. Just go outside.

8. Whaling. Okay, maybe the bird thing got me thinking, but I just heard that there are still people who kill whales illegally for their meat. Like it’s still the nineteenth century. Come on. Whales are cool.

7. Justin Bieber. Who is this kid, and why does he flirt with anything that moves? Little girls, grandmas, the pizza on the table. He even has a flirt coach. This is a real job?

6. 3-D. Does every movie have to jump off the screen and into your tub of popcorn with you? I mean, maybe the scary ones, fine, but even Justin Bieber has a 3-D movie. Wait a minute, he is scary. See #7.

5. The gym. I need to work out, like all the time. But I heard from my friend that some places in France or Spain or New Zealand or somewhere have gender neutral bathrooms—like whole rooms you can lock with a shower and everything---where guys like me can change. You’d think in New York City there’d be one gym I could go to where I could take a shower and not scare people on the subway with my post-weightlifting body fumes. Only my cat likes the way I smell after that.

4. The cost of top surgery. This isn’t really a pet peeve, it’s a MAJOR OBSTACLE! Right now it would cost me about six grand plus airfare to fly to the surgeon I want in San Francisco, and I have insurance! But insurance doesn’t cover it. I’m saving ten bucks a week, which means I’ll be what, 82, before I can get this? It’s a medical necessity, everybody! Can’t Obama do something about this?

3. Hook-ups. I’m an old-fashioned guy. Maybe I’m a gentleman. Or maybe I’m shy. But I’m at college now where at parties people just get naked with strangers. The last time I did that, I was a baby in the hospital nursery. Went home with the wrong people that time too.

2. Melon. Watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, you name it, they all taste like pee.

1. Small-mindedness. Little mind, little life. (Okay, I take back what I said about the flirt coach. I probably need one.)


Thank you, Cris, for that list! I am with you on the whaling, too...